My son who lives with disability, Bug*, was born first. Three years later when his brother came along he wasn’t sure at all what to think! Definitely used to being attached at my hip (literally) most of the day and night, this tiny intruder upset the apple cart just a hair. Then, Bean* learned to smile. Bug couldn’t stop laughing at this squirmy little jelly ball smiling up at him. It was love.
This pattern continued as Bean learned to crawl, then toddle, then run! Boy did he run! Ever patient with Bug, who can do little on his own physically, Bean soon learned to pick up toys and place them on his tray. He soon became willing to give up his own TV show if Bug began grumbling or banging his head. He became very good at “go get Mommy a diaper for Bug” and would rush to the rescue, our mini superhero!
I would praise him for being such a good helper and caring brother…and then…I would get that pang.
You know.
The question every mom asks herself in this situation.
“Is Bean going to resent Bug?”
Hungry for material on the topic, I turned to some online blogs and parenting magazines. (We lived overseas at the time and didn’t have ready access to a library). I poured over all of the fairy tales and the horror stories chronicled in the great wide web. I put every piece of advice to work.
Most of all, I just tried to love my boys well all day every day (and night, let’s be real).
I spent time with them, reading, taking walks, cuddling, dancing silly, and of course the inevitable PT and OT. I made sure to try and spend time with Bean one-on-one in the hopes that he wouldn’t resent Bug, while still giving Bug all he needed.
I didn’t get everything perfect. I beat myself up every time I didn’t.
Never gave up trying though.
I was just beginning to feel like a circus juggler, at least starting to balance it all, when Bunny* came along. She hopped into the world agianst all odds, the story of her survival is one for another post — or book. God gets the glory. A more wanted child was never born, though all three of mine were–are–equally wanted.
As she grew that same question burned in the back of my mind, it became the voice of all my mom guilt. How do I juggle without dropping someone? No one can fall through the cracks.
Spoiler alert: I didn’t have to worry at all!
Bean and Bunny make a darling pair. They love to help Bug out, never with a hint of resentment, and they are each other’s best friends. I didn’t have to fight for that or force it. It was in their hearts all along. What was I so worried about? (If only I had a nickel for every time I’ve spoken those words as a mother!)
Think I figured out how to balance it all? Think again! Life just ebbs and flows. Some days we make it, some days we’re just glad not to break it.
And guess what the best thing about that is? The kids learn this too.
Special kids and special siblings become resilient. They grow and learn from each other. I will never forget the moment Bean, at five, had a friend over and confidently explained, “That’s Bug. He doesn’t walk or talk or anything, but it’s ok. You can say hi to him!” I knew then that I had no more to worry about. He wasn’t jealuos, he was going to be his brother’s greatest advocate.
A couple years down the line, Bean says to me, “Mom when you get too old to take care of Bug anymore I’m going to take care of him. Because I’m going to be big and strong to lift him by then.” I couldn’t keep the tears from showing that time (although I assured him that my growing old was a long way off — well, not that long).
Today Bunny, who is about to start kindergarten (look out, world, she’s a warrior queen!) , said to me, “Hey Mom, you know what? Some people talk and some people don’t and some people talk with their tablets.” She was referring to the tablet with a communication program that Bug uses to make his thoughts and feelings known. Then she added matter-of-factly, “That’s just how it is!”
You know what?
Life is uncertain. Love the people around you.
Like special siblings do. That’s just how it is!
* not their real names
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