I had resolutions back in January 2020.
I had summertime plans.
I had a job that I loved, that I got to go and do every day. (Thankfully, we are back in person, for the time being.)
Then the world as we knew it changed…in almost an instant.
We woke one morning and schools were closed. Suddenly, we were “zooming” (literally and figuratively) and not nearly with such a positive connotation that the word held for in me in the old order of the world. Every morning Zooming with my children’s classes, with my work family…AND zooming around the house trying to keep the kids from destroying everything, everyday.
My heart fell daily, reading story after sad story of the ways this unexpected virus was ravaging our nation and world, the hearts it was breaking, the families it was keeping apart. I cried a lot. I think we all did.
Fear burst in. With a child who (among other special needs) is not a strong deep-breather, who has been hospitalized in the past due to apparently lesser infections than this one, I did not feel safe out there and it was a struggle to even feel safe in here — in our little world growing ever smaller, in our cocoon of pretended security.
Something happens when you feel too safe, and too sheltered. Not good things. Without connections to other humans, we start to sink. Without any risks being taken, we inevitably lose something of value. We start to lose heart. We start to lose courage. We need each other, to “spur one another on toward love and good deeds.”
We gardened.
We called friends and family…a lot.
We read stories of lands far away and much more magical than ours, and stories of brave humans of the past who encountered challenges that they overcame. (Not easy stuff, but it helped us feel braver.)
We held each other longer each night before bed and we sang a little louder to our favorite songs.
We baked way too much and it showed around the middle, at least, for this mama bear.
All my resolutions fell by the wayside, one by one.
Get fit? Didn’t happen, but we took a lot of nature walks and planted flowers in our garden.
Eat healthier? This one, I haven’t decided, because cooking from scratch a lot more than usual resulted in overall healthier choices…and ice cream for dinner a little more often too, and the snacking. So much snacking. Maybe we at least broke even.
As quarantine wore on, and on, it became all too clear that resolutions and plans and vacation and gatherings were all but a loss.
Many people lost much more and they remain in our hearts and prayers.
What did we gain?
We gained awareness that this life of ours is not in our control. We gained time together, as a family, to reconnect and learn together.
We gained freedoms, strange to say when most of us felt very trapped, but it was the freedom to notice the little things more than we ever did before.
We gained humility, or tried to, as we were reminded all too starkly of our own mortality and how quickly life can change. This has always been true, but this year the truth surfaced like an underground volcano erupting without warning all over the world.
I hope we gained gratitude for every moment, every day, and every person we love and care for. Even the roughest days won’t seem so bad after all this, will they? I’m just so glad you’re still here. I’m just so glad we’re still together.
People keep asking the million dollar question…when will it end? Will 2021 be a better year?
The truth is, we don’t know. We never really knew before, only we may be more aware of that now than we were before.
I’m not writing down resolutions this year, or making advance plans, or grand proclamations. I’m thanking God that we made it this far, to today. I’m grieving those who did not. I’m accepting that I never will have a view on the future, and allowing myself to just be.
Onward, like a good soldier. Forward, like a trusting child. Unassuming of whatever the new year may hold in store. Thankful, for today.
Wishing you all a blessed new year, full of love, surrounded by family and friends, healthy and safe.
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